Googly eyes, Pink Mops and Nectarines!!

 

WOW!!! Who the hell neglected to tell me that being a self-employed working mother would be so blooming MANIC?!!!!!

The last 6 months of my life have flown by!
Working, Cleaning, Cooking, Cleaning, Sleeping, Working, Cooking, Cleaning, Guides meetings, Dance meetings, Dance Festivals, Camping Trips, Parents evenings, Hoola Hoop shows, Washing, Cleaning, Cooking, MELTDOWN!!!!!
I have a two wonderful daughters who are extremely active. I have a lovely boyfriend who is always extremely busy. I have a pretty kitty cat who can be just as demanding as the kids! And there’s me in the middle of them all …. the one holding everything together so they get to their meetings and dance classes on time. I’m the one who sorts out the dance costumes and does the hair and make-up and MAD costume changes at festivals. The one who thinks that having a couple of hours alone in the evening to do the housework is a night off and who gives fruit personalities by introducing googly eyes … THIS I find hilarious and it is this that convinced me that I have finally lost the plot!! Well… along with the fact that I just “treated” myself by buying a new mop (IT’S PINK!!!) and also that I find the word NECTARINE highly amusing, TRY IT!!  Nec-Tar-Reen. If you say it often enough it becomes a really fun word to say!! I am sat here now repeating it to myself in a range of different vocals and pitches!!

ImageSO… when do you think that as mothers (and fathers) it is that we start finding little stupid things fun? Has anybody else been truly excited about getting a new PINK mop??? Though to be fair… it may have been the fact that I now have a clean kitchen floor. It has been so long since I last mopped that I thought the colour of the tiles WAS a murky dirt colour (they are in fact a nice light pine colour! quite nice!) BUT EVEN SO… who gets excited about mopping??? Especially when you know that shuffling through the kitchen on a towel afterwards was a pointless attempt to keep the floor clean for a couple of hours more when you turn around to find little black paw prints from the back door to the lounge!!
It was definitely not in the paperwork I received when I gave birth to my daughter that as soon as I have emptied the wash basket in the bathroom she would find enough washing to fill it back up again in just 10 minutes!! 
And it wasn’t in the instruction manual when my partner moved in that he would regularly malfunction and leave toast crumbs all over the kitchen (ALL OVER EVERYWHERE!!) and not realise when the dustbin was full and instead of emptying it, he would just balance crisp packets and bottles precariously on the top until we have our very own leaning tower of pizza!!!
And I most certainly don’t remember agreeing to my step-daughter being able to like chicken one week but hate it so much the following week that I thought she was going to be physically sick!! (BUT… she can still eat chicken nuggets?!)

NEC-TAR-REEN
Seriously… where-ever you are right now, it doesn’t matter, just say “nectarine” out loud… I promise it will brighten your day and most likely those around you too (or they’ll turn and walk the other direction to get way from the nutter saying nectarine out loud at the bus stop!!)

I have just realised that there is no real point to this blog post. It IS truly just the ramblings of a mad woman hoping beyond all hope that there is at least ONE other person in this world who has a chaotic life and finds stupid little things to amuse themselves with!!

NEC-TAR-REEN!! 😀 😀 😀

 

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2014 is MY year!

I was about to stress at myself for not posting for so long but realised what happened not long after my last post…. I OPENED MY SHOP!!
I have been working for myself for three years and this year saw the opportunity for me to open an actual retail unit and take the business away from home. And I grabbed that opportunity with both hands!! Unfortunately this has meant I have not had a lot of spare time for extra stuff like writing my blog, cleaning my house or eating properly!! I definitely opened at the right time of year. Christmas was amazing!! But now the New Year has hit us and everyone has been made bankrupt by Santa Claus, things have quietened down enough for me to catch up with all my “duties”! It also helps that my lovely lovely man bought me a tumble drier for Christmas which has helped cut housework time down by loads!! (Am I the only woman who got excited about managing FOUR loads of washing AND drying in just one day?!!). I actually had a moment on New Years Eve where I sat down and I had NOTHING to do… something that hasn’t happened in a long time!!

As you can imagine all this has taken its toll on me. Being busy is Fabulous as I don’t have time to sit and over-think things too much. But on the other hand I have come to realise that being tired and being me doesn’t mix. Many paranoid moments have started whilst being over-tired. Usually as we’re getting ready for bed. I get one stupid thought in my head and that’s it until 3am. I HAVE figured out what is wrong…. my lack of self-esteem and my self-loathing have started to affect how I deal with things in my relationship. How can he possibly like me when I don’t even like myself? I’m horrible, fat and ugly so why would he fancy me or even want to stay with me? I’m a bad mom. I don’t feel I’m doing well in my business. I am failing as a wife-type person because the house is a mess and I didn’t do the washing up for 2 nights in a row! COMMON SENSE does tell me how stupid this all is as I KNOW everyone loves me. I KNOW my business is fantastic. I KNOW that leaving the washing up isn’t a problem. I always have niggling doubts and worries but when I am tired they are exaggerated into stupidly big proportions that I lose control of and end in me wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why on earth my man would want to stay with such a twisted monster!

Not any more. I REALLY want to change this. I am going to the doctors this week to double-check my deficiencies are being properly dealt with. I am being ULTRA strict with my gluten and dairy free dietary requirements and I am also now re-joining Slimming World to  rid myself of my excess weight which will help ease constant aches and pains caused by my deficiencies. It will also help me to feel better about myself and the way I look so will hopefully stop the niggling doubts about my man not fancying me any more (stupidest thought ever as I do truly know how much he finds me attractive) and also will help me to learn to eat properly. It IS hard having such a limited diet so I tend to go without breakfast. And lunch. And generally my first food is at about 7pm!! It needs to change!!
I am also looking into Bach Flower Remedies to help with negativity and self-hatred (any help welcome 😉 )

Watch this space to follow how I get on with it all ….

This WILL be my year!!

Managing Myself

I suffer with anxiety and depression and I am trying to manage it without the use of drugs. It is difficult but I have found a few things that seem to be helping.

1) Changes in diet
I have been Gluten-free for two years and Dairy-free for two months. The gluten thing was originally suggested by my doctor when Coeliac tests came back negative. All the signs were there that I have it so he said try it anyway and see how you get on. I went dairy free on my own diagnosis as I was starting to feel ill after eating a lot of cheese or cream. It has been hard, especially since I used to live on bread and pasta and cheese but I definitely feel better in myself health-wise and my moods seem to have stabilised. IN FACT… when I decided to “treat” myself to some crumpets a few months ago, it ended with me walking out on my family for a few hours. To this day I cannot fathom why I would do this as they are great and SO supportive and I love them all SO much. The only thing I did different was have those bread products. This was enough proof for me that I never, NEVER can eat gluten products again. And I have found my mood swings less and I am more able to cope with life’s ups and downs since totally cutting it out. Me & my partner are arguing less & I don’t feel as tired and drained as I did before. As an added bonus my skin seems to be clearing up of the acne I’ve been suffering with for years now!

2) Exercise
I HATE this word! I never could see the point (and still can’t) of going to the gym for two hours a day, 5 days a week, sweating in front of mirrors being forced to look at myself?! No thank you! It bores me and I can honestly say that I don’t see myself EVER doing so!
BUT… I have found forms of exercise that I love! I now go swimming for an hour a week. I have joined an adult Tap Dance class which is another hour a week. I am also trying to train in Aikido more which depending on how busy I am can be another 1-2 hours a week. I am trying to walk more and I am feeling better for all of this. I am hoping to start Pilates this week as well and as much as I hate to admit it… I feel better!

3) Keeping Busy
THIS is probably the main one for me. I find that if I have time to sit and THINK… I will end up all over the place. Worrying about things that don’t need worrying about, REALLY stressing over stupid things like the washing up or hoovering the few tiny crumbs spilt at breakfast or being completely paranoid about how my better half feels about me! A couple of my inane thoughts… ‘Why didn’t he kiss me this morning? Can’t love me anymore then’ & ‘That hug was a few seconds less than yesterday so he must have “gone off” me!’ … He tells me every day he loves me. He hugs me to sleep every night. These thoughts are completely the result of an inactive day. (Sometimes they are also the result of having been “glutened” and are yet another reason I keep away from that stuff!!)
So I have been trying to fill my days. I am in the process of moving my business from a work-at-home scenario into ACTUAL premises so that can take up a lot of thinking time. I ALWAYS have some sort of housework to do! Walks round the block to break up the day (adds to exercise too!). And if I still find time … READING!

4) Books
I love reading. My entire family love reading. The BEST gift you can give to a child (or anyone) is the ability to read. Books are a temporary escape from this world. They are adventures you could never realistically have. They are a secret world just for you. They are an extension of your family (I honestly miss some of the characters when I finish the books). They are always there for you and can be a comfort just when you need it.
This may sound like I am some sort of nut (maybe I am!) but books really help take your mind off your worries and stresses and sometimes, even if for only a few minutes, that is all you need to ease life’s tension.

5) Sex
Enough said!

6) Gardening
Getting in the garden and taking out your stress on a particularly hard patch of earth… Better than any workout I know of!
Digging up the potatoes, getting elbow deep in soil, cutting back the Ivy, planting new flowers, watching the bees or even just sitting in a chair watching the clouds… BLISS!!

This is what helps me. I’m not in any way a medical expert and this list could probably even be extended to include so much more (but I don’t wish to bore you!).
Maybe there’s something here you hadn’t thought of and now want to give it a go. Maybe YOU have something you do that you want to share (comments below).
If I’ve helped just ONE person. Then this post was worth it 🙂

Too busy to relax?

TWO MONTHS?!

That’s how long it has been since my last post! Disgraceful! I apologise now to my faithful followers… all 11 of you!! It HAS occurred to me that if I want this to be a success then I need to be more pro-active in posting and so I have taken an executive decision to take at least 10 minutes a week ALL for myself!! How selfish of me!!

The last couple of months have been okay-ish. Work picked up slightly (YAY!) The girls have had more than their fair share of dance shows, I have been trying to train in Aikido more often after attending a course a few weekends ago. Shall be going to my first lesson actually aimed at beginners tomorrow night! I have also started Tap Dancing lessons … SO much fun and I am GREAT at it. Will see how great I am on Thursday when I wear tap shoes for the first time and every mistake will be heard!

Life as a step-mommy is getting better. My and little one have had our ups and downs but I have come to realise that she is still a very confused little girl. We actually had a rather lengthy chat about everything and how she’s doing. She really opened up to me. Something she says she can’t do with her mum & dad as she is scared of upsetting them. Although part of me is happy to be the “confidante”, I am trying to encourage her to speak to her parents as well. THEY are the most important people in her life and she should be able to talk to them. She is getting there slowly.

Last week my other halfs eldest daughter moved in. She is 21 years old and currently squashed in a room with her two younger sisters! Poor thing! Trying to move to a bigger house but as everyone is finding out at the moment… it not that easy anymore. Shall not go in to details because to be honest… I can’t be a***d!

What else has happened?…..

OOH… My BABY left primary school!! A massive step (and expense) to move to Secondary school but she is so excited it great!! Already making her way through a reading list they gave out … I love my little geek!!

I am going to stop there… (1) Because my brain is refusing to remember anything else and (2) because I am being distracted by the girls “can I have”-ing at me!!

The greatest gift EVER!!

The greatest gift EVER!!

I just wanted to share this link. It is a joint blog written by my sister in law and the lady she was carrying a baby for. YES.. my lovely brothers wife is a surrogate mother and last week she gave birth to the greatest gift a person could ever give. 
This is their blog from beginning to end and I challenge you to read it without getting emotional!!

Well Done Niki and a big congratulations to the new parents 🙂

I can do it. I WILL do it!!

This is my new mantra! 

I have recently been told by doctors that I may be suffering from Anxiety and Depression. This  can cause things such as trouble concentrating or with memory, disturbed sleep, tiredness or lack of energy, feeling irritable, worrying, crying easily, expecting the worst, feeling hopeless or pessimistic, or having low self esteem/feeling worthless. I suffer with most of these (esp. worrying!!), but also, in me, this all leads to feelings of paranoia, panic attacks and majorly dramatic mood swings. 

I received my letter from the specialist over a week ago and I shall admit to avoiding going to see my local GP. I have a horrid feeling that he is just going to say “here… have some anti-depressants, now you’ll cope” ... I REFUSE to go on any tablets until I have tried every other option available to me (or it is a life/death situation!) and so I have been trying to work on improving myself. I am trying to learn to recognise when one of my “episodes” is coming on. It is hard but I am slowly getting there with help from my fantastic, patient and very understanding man. And my daughters are just amazing, always there with hugs when they can see I need them. And I have a couple of just totally brilliant friends who I KNOW I would not cope so well without. They tell me how it is and don’t pander to my stupidity (I am just as blunt so this is FAB for me!) and always seem to have a whole cache of advice and support for whenever I need them.
I am also working on improving my health (which includes sticking to my gluten-free diet … watch this space for more about this!!) and my overall fitness. I am already doing Aikido (my partner is the instructor so no excuse!) and I would like to start running and swimming more.

AND, it just so happens that Thursday afternoon in our house is family swim night.
Tonight they all decide they want to go into the main Olympic pool rather than the little splash pool. This was fine except I have a phobia about water that is deeper than I can safely stand in and not drown. I can’t put my head under water and I’m not the strongest of swimmers. SO I decided I would stay home and clean instead so they could enjoy their time without having to watch me drown.

My fella has different ideas.

We stood in the kitchen for 15 minutes with him constantly saying that I AM going and that he’ll be with me all the time and I’ll be fine and that he believes in me and knows I can do it and that I need to stop being stupid and that I always tell the kids to at least TRY things before dismissing them etc etc etc.
I stood for 15 minutes on the edge of a panic attack while trying to get him to understand that I would really rather not die in front of our children!!

He doesn’t give up. I act like a massive child, stomping round the house getting my swim things together.

On the way to the pool, my partner is all very supportive, rubbing my leg telling me I am going to be fine and he will be happy if I just do one length. 

I have a mini panic attack!

We go into the sports centre and go get changed and he’s waiting for me on poolside. I think sod it, you’ve p***ed me off, so I ignore him the best I can (like ANY child would!!) and just climb into the FREEZING COLD swim pool. 

Guess what happened next…..

I SWAM 20 LENGTHS!!!!!!! 

That’s 20 x 25m. That’s (looks for calculator) … 500 METRES!!! Who knew??? I certainly didn’t!! And the fact that I almost had another panic attack when the pool changed colour from pale blue to dark blue when the depth of the pool dramatically increased doesn’t even matter now!

Okay… his sitting at the end waiting for me with his “I told you so” was slightly annoying but I was too happy with myself to care!! 

Today I did it! I conkered a MASSIVE phobia and also made a start  on improving my health and fitness. And I felt GREAT! That euphoria that people say you feel after exercise (that I always said “PAH” too!!) is REAL!! I honestly can’t wait to go again!

And the BEST part about tonight? One very simple text that I received from my lovely man while we were getting changed…

“Very very proud of you xxx”

The royal stamp of approval

Well… not quite, but that’s how it feels!

Since I got with my fella a couple of years ago, I worried about whether or not his family would like me. I KNOW I shouldn’t worry but I am a born worrier and since how we got together was all a bit controversial (I’ll post about this eventually) (maybe!) it was even more of a worry. I think the three people I was most worried about were the three ladies closest to my partner. His two daughters (20 and 7 years old) and his sister.

I met his sister and her children pretty much straight away and she always been very accepting of me and polite when I’ve been around, and the children took to me straight away. Especially the younger one who jumped straight on my lap and told me to read to her the first time I ever went to visit. A stamp of approval in itself when I learned that this was a rare occurrence! But I only knew what my partners ex had told me of his sister… very hard to get along with, very abrupt and could be quite stand-offish. I didn’t feel any of this when I met her though. It went pretty much how first meetings go and I thought it very successful but I still weren’t sure how she felt about me. But since then we have visited many times and we did seem to get along and have a laugh. I have looked after the children (something I have been told she can be funny about) AND she has visited me when she KNEW that her brother would be at work – TWICE! AND she has said we are to have a night out together … SO all good!! Even better was the text she sent to my partner saying that I am a “nice-lady” …  **STAMP OF APPROVAL**

My partners eldest took a while to come round. Understandable really but after a few months I could see how it was affecting him and I really started to feel guilty. We’d spoken on the phone though and told her dad that I seemed nice. Which was ok for now.
Again though, in the last few months she finally started  visiting, stayed for dinner and we have chatted many times. Due to changes in her home arrangements she is even moving in with us now. Something she wouldn’t do if she didn’t like me! PLUS.. She told her dad in a phone call that she likes me and that I am really nice and that have only ever been nice to her! **STAMP OF APPROVAL**

The youngest one is actually the one I envisioned having lots of problems with. She has only been allowed to come round to the house in the last 8 months and although at first it was a little awkward, she has really settled in. You know from previous posts that I have come to love this little girl as much as I love my own daughter but it has only been in the last couple of months that I realised how much I must mean to her too. After the incident where I was banned from going to see her school play she came round the next day and the FIRST thing she did was apologise to me that I couldn’t go. She has since said she sees me as a second mummy, she comes to me for hugs and kisses, I look after her when she is ill on school days and she said that she likes having time off school as she gets to spend time with me (made me happy but had big discussion about missing school!!). She has also slipped up on a couple of occasions saying she wishes she could stay with us forever. In just the last couple of weeks, she has really settled down, is less argumentative and we really miss her now when she has to go home **STAMP STAMP STAMPITY STAMP**

I KNOW there will be hard times and that it isn’t always going to be rosy, but is it any different is ANY household where two families join together?! For now though I relish in the fact that I have been accepted and that I have not only gained some lovely new family members, but also some good friends.

Image

Just one of THOSE days!!

I’m pretty certain that EVERYONE, at some point, has had one of those days where everyone and everything just seems to go against you!! Well… in the not too distant past… I had one such day!!

It started off the same as every other day. I got up late with just enough time to kiss my daughter and lovely man goodbye before they both disappeared to school and work. I made myself my morning Mocha (what else?!) and sat down at the computer to collect my wits and plan my work for the day ahead.
I’m sitting there quietly, reading my emails when I hear something from the other room. It only lasted a second or two so soon forget about it. That is until it happened again. It sounded like static like you get from a radio if it isn’t tuned in quite right. Again it lasted a couple of seconds and disappeared. WEIRD! The third time it lasted longer. On, off, on, off and I am now officially slightly spooked. I decide to investigate and find one of my daughters walkie talkies. It suddenly goes mental and I FREAK OUT!! What on earth is making it make these noises?!! The other one is switched off and I could not for the life of me remember how to turn this one off at all!! After about 5 mins of what I can only assume was some dead relative trying to contact me from the other side, I finally figure out that it will stop working if I remove the batteries!! I also hid the blooming thing at the bottom of my daughters bed underneath a load of teddies in case it went off agin…. THAT would have caused a very big mess on my seat!!

Deep breathe. Make another Mocha. Sit down and start again.

Ok… let’s make my phone calls and place orders for stock. Easy peasy you say. Nothing can go wrong there Louisa. WRONG!! I have been using the same suppliers for some of my stock for a while now, so imagine my surprise when I try ordering an item I had only previously ordered the week before and get told by the woman on the other end that she has never heard of these items and that I must have got them elsewhere!! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!! I seriously worry about companies who employ staff who just don’t have a clue about their own range of products… I have since found myself a new supplier so this, I suppose, had a happy ending!

Deep breathe. Make another Mocha and start again.

SO… after trying to set up just two pieces of work in AN HOUR! I decided to give up and do some housework instead. Nice and easy, not taxing in the slightest. It was only when I was half way through hanging my washing out to dry that I realised I may have lost the plot completely. You see…. the clothes felt quite dry. I was pleased about this as it meant they wouldn’t be cluttering up the house for long. I carry on hanging them up. I start to question why the heavy towels weren’t even damp and I am pretty sure by now you can guess what I had done. Or even… what I HADN’T done! Even the stupidest of people know that you have to switch the washing machine on if you want your clothes to get washed!!! DUH!!!

Deep Breathes. Mocha. Go back to bed and start again tomorrow!!!

A nice day for….

MY SMEAR TEST!! (also called Pap smear, Pap test or cervical smear to others in different parts of the world!)

What better way is there to start your week than with this delightful procedure?!!
And at 9AM too!! YAY for me!! Just what I wanted before breakfast!!
I think most women will know what this procedure is for but just in case, I will start with a little background information …

A smear is a test of the cells around your cervix to screen for any abnormalities. Around 1 in 20 smears will come back with unusual results, but to be honest,a lot of the time these negative results won’t lead to cervical cancer and the cells may go back to normal on their own. However, in some cases, the abnormal cells need to be treated to prevent them becoming cancerous.
Nearly 3,000 women in the UK are diagnosed with cervical cancer every year. Cervical cancer is most common in women aged 30-39 and Smear tests can catch the signs of cancer early, enabling you to get treatment as soon as possible. This could be the difference between life and death.
So it is important to get these tests done regularly so any abnormal cells can be caught early… of course…  The very first thing that happens when I get to the doctors is the nurse tells me off as I am over a year late in having it done!

Now I know some of you won’t want to know about this… well… turn your screen off now then because I am carrying on no matter what! 

She was actually a very pleasant lady. She is a temporary cover while the surgery looks for a full time permanent nurse but I would be happy having her as my regular nurse.
So after my telling off, I am taken into a side-room where a trolley-bed awaits with a little sheet of cloth on it. I am asked to undress from the waist down and cover myself with this tiny little sheet. From this moment on… dignity is lost!!
I lie on the bed and nursey says “Bend your knees, put your ankles together and let your knees drop as far as you can” … She then inserts the speculum (an instrument inserted into the vagina to hold it open and give a good view of the cervix) and tells me to relax. Well… I thought I WAS relaxed but apparently not and she was having a hard time gaining entry! “put your hands under your boobies my darling, close your eyes and take some deep breathes!” … done. “hmmm… your cervix is hiding somewhere in there” … where else would it have been?!!! At this point I am starting to find it all very comical. All nerves have been forgotten in view of the fact that this woman seemed to like talking to me via my “hoo-ha”, this is a good job really as my dignity is about to take a giant dip downwards… “can you roll on your side please, bring your bottom knee up towards your chest as far as it will go and lift your other leg up into the air so I can get in better!” … I seriously don’t think this woman had a clue about what she was saying. She most certainly didn’t know she had the queen of double entendres on the table!!! All laughter stops though when she announces that she will have to get the larger speculum! WHAT?! That one felt large enough. Although it wasn’t painful at all, I could most certainly feel it in there. And what does this mean? Do I have a fat “fadge”?!! What diet would I go on to lose weight from in there?!! Before I have a chance to see the size of the “LARGE” one… she’s inserted it successfully (At last!!) and was brushing away. Before I knew it, it was all over and I was being praised on how healthy and pink my cervix looked!!

Ok… although I have had one of the most hilarious appointments EVER, most screenings are actually less eventful and it’s a case of “Spread your legs, speculum in, brushing of cervix… done!”
It is not in the slightest bit painful. To be honest, I wasn’t even uncomfortable. It DOES feel strange when she is collecting the cells but the whole experience lasts less than a couple of minutes and it could save your life.

Cervical smears are done every three years for women aged 25-49, though some areas do start screening earlier than that and I personally believe that they should be done as soon as young lady is sexually active. If you’re 25 then you should have received a notice about coming for your first smear. If you’re younger and you’re concerned, speak to your GP or visit your local well-womans clinic as they may be able to arrange this for you.

PLEASE ladies…. this takes seconds and although it isn’t dignified… it COULD save your life. If you are due an appointment, phone your doctors NOW! Make the appointment and get it out of the way and done with… that’s it for three years then!

Being the STEP-mum…

 … is REALLY heart-breaking at times.

I love this little girl with as much of my heart as I do my own daughter. I may not have given birth to her, but there is still a connection between us that is getting stronger and bringing us closer every day.
When her dad left her mum, he moved straight in with me. There is NOTHING you can say that we have not already had said, either by others or by ourselves. We KNOW the situation was a bad one but it was a while ago now and things have seemed to have settled down. Her mum is now engaged to another man she met just a few months after the spilt, is moving in with him and is expecting another baby. I’m genuinely really happy for her and life this end has been great too. We have little-one sleep over every other weekend, this being one of them. And it has been great. We’ve had a lot of fun at the park today, we signed up to do the Walk For Kids event in June (both girls very excited!) and spent the evening making jewellery together. 
As always we get the text to say that mum is home, so we get everything ready for the return home and I say “See you Tuesday”. At which point I am informed that my eldest and their dad will be going to watch little-one perform in a play that is being held at her Brownies group tomorrow night. I’ve been looking forward SO much to this play. I have sat and listened to her practise her songs every time she visits (to the point where I have had the most annoying stuck in my head for the remainder of the week!!). So to hear the words “my mum has said you are not allowed to come” just broke my heart in two. Just HOW am I supposed to react to this? I don’t… I say “never mind, maybe I’ll be able to come to the next one” and carry on with saying goodbyes.

I have had to come straight on here to rant and have tears running down my face as I type and my apologies for going on a bit. But this is my life. THIS is what I want people to know about…. How being a mum is the single most hardest job in the world, but being a STEP-mum to a child you love as your own but that will never be yours…. heart-breaking.