A nice day for….

… MY SMEAR TEST!! (also called Pap smear, Pap test or cervical smear to others in different parts of the world!)

What better way is there to start your week than with this delightful procedure?!!
And at 9AM too!! YAY for me!! Just what I wanted before breakfast!!
I think most women will know what this procedure is for but just in case, I will start with a little background information …

A smear is a test of the cells around your cervix to screen for any abnormalities. Around 1 in 20 smears will come back with unusual results, but to be honest,a lot of the time these negative results won’t lead to cervical cancer and the cells may go back to normal on their own. However, in some cases, the abnormal cells need to be treated to prevent them becoming cancerous.
Nearly 3,000 women in the UK are diagnosed with cervical cancer every year. Cervical cancer is most common in women aged 30-39 and Smear tests can catch the signs of cancer early, enabling you to get treatment as soon as possible. This could be the difference between life and death.
So it is important to get these tests done regularly so any abnormal cells can be caught early… of course…  The very first thing that happens when I get to the doctors is the nurse tells me off as I am over a year late in having it done!

Now I know some of you won’t want to know about this… well… turn your screen off now then because I am carrying on no matter what! 

She was actually a very pleasant lady. She is a temporary cover while the surgery looks for a full time permanent nurse but I would be happy having her as my regular nurse.
So after my telling off, I am taken into a side-room where a trolley-bed awaits with a little sheet of cloth on it. I am asked to undress from the waist down and cover myself with this tiny little sheet. From this moment on… dignity is lost!!
I lie on the bed and nursey says “Bend your knees, put your ankles together and let your knees drop as far as you can” … She then inserts the speculum (an instrument inserted into the vagina to hold it open and give a good view of the cervix) and tells me to relax. Well… I thought I WAS relaxed but apparently not and she was having a hard time gaining entry! “put your hands under your boobies my darling, close your eyes and take some deep breathes!” … done. “hmmm… your cervix is hiding somewhere in there” … where else would it have been?!!! At this point I am starting to find it all very comical. All nerves have been forgotten in view of the fact that this woman seemed to like talking to me via my “hoo-ha”, this is a good job really as my dignity is about to take a giant dip downwards… “can you roll on your side please, bring your bottom knee up towards your chest as far as it will go and lift your other leg up into the air so I can get in better!” … I seriously don’t think this woman had a clue about what she was saying. She most certainly didn’t know she had the queen of double entendres on the table!!! All laughter stops though when she announces that she will have to get the larger speculum! WHAT?! That one felt large enough. Although it wasn’t painful at all, I could most certainly feel it in there. And what does this mean? Do I have a fat “fadge”?!! What diet would I go on to lose weight from in there?!! Before I have a chance to see the size of the “LARGE” one… she’s inserted it successfully (At last!!) and was brushing away. Before I knew it, it was all over and I was being praised on how healthy and pink my cervix looked!!

Ok… although I have had one of the most hilarious appointments EVER, most screenings are actually less eventful and it’s a case of “Spread your legs, speculum in, brushing of cervix… done!”
It is not in the slightest bit painful. To be honest, I wasn’t even uncomfortable. It DOES feel strange when she is collecting the cells but the whole experience lasts less than a couple of minutes and it could save your life.

Cervical smears are done every three years for women aged 25-49, though some areas do start screening earlier than that and I personally believe that they should be done as soon as young lady is sexually active. If you’re 25 then you should have received a notice about coming for your first smear. If you’re younger and you’re concerned, speak to your GP or visit your local well-womans clinic as they may be able to arrange this for you.

PLEASE ladies…. this takes seconds and although it isn’t dignified… it COULD save your life. If you are due an appointment, phone your doctors NOW! Make the appointment and get it out of the way and done with… that’s it for three years then!